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HecticHarmony

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Day 9 Selfie (:

Well I have a new roommate and she was up at 3am in the morning for some ungodly reason. So it wasn’t a lovely morning- I was quite tired.
Since it’s a weekend ESL goes to cafeteria for all of the meals, it’s really stressful. Upstairs the staff have written out portions of everything (handful of pretzels is 1 bread, a spoonful of peanut butter is 1 fat) it’s overwhelming making my own food because I feel like I’m eating too much. It makes me feel really bad about myself like almost guilt and ashamed because I feel like I’m behind like I feel like I should be better by now and I’m not and I don’t know how to get there. I know that’s unrealistic only a week in but I think o just have high expectations of myself that are unachievable, so I feel like a failure.
I felt really proud of myself this morning in strategy group. I kind of advocates for myself and explained that I feel like they are kind not accepting. I think I made myself vulnerable which was really hard to do with people I don’t know or trust. I have been finding myself socially shrinking and so today I am planning on making more of an effort to be interactive.
Alicia had said that as far as leaving me out I needed to be aware that there was an age difference. This kind of upset me because I feel like she was just trying to justify it instead of changing it.
Friends and family was on my schedule today and I thought because I didn’t have friends or family here I wouldn’t have to go- but I did. It was nice seeing that other people had family support but it was also hard because I didn’t have the support that everyone else did. We made a list of things that are helpful vs. not helpful and shared it with the group. The support people made their own list of how we can help them to better support us. There was a lot of good conversation and I think it was beneficial to everyone.
Bradee was told she might be discharging tomorrow so she is having a rough night, so I kept going over to ISL when I wasn’t supposed to. So we were sneaking out to go to the solarium and we kept stopping when staff came by, we were like walking backwards and giggling then we busted through to double doors of ISL and ran to the solarium and I like knocked her over we were laughing so hard and I felt like I’d just made a jail break because I’m allowed to leave the unit since I’m ESL but she can’t because she’s ISL so she’s restricted. So when we sat up her boyfriend is sitting in there and her laptop is plugged in and they’ve just got everything set up so apparently they had literally been sitting in there all day. Which means I didn’t jail break anything.
But I still kinda feel like a badass.
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Today I had a rough start. I had severe chest pain that kept me from sleeping; I woke up with extremely low blood pressure, 80/42 and a heart rate of less than 60. I had problems standing up, let alone getting ready and was dizzy for most of the morning.
It was my first full day in ESL and it’s kind of different. I noticed that a lot of them say “the eating disorder” not “my eating disorder” like it’s separate from us. Maybe it is, I don’t know. They talk about being able to differentiate between “the eating disorders voice” and their own thoughts. It would be really lovely to be at that point in my recovery.
There’s two tables in the dining room in ESL. Table 1 and table 2. Table 2 is for people who have had successful passes and cafeteria experiences. My first morning of breakfast there were no seats at table 2 and when I went to sit down Alicia snapped at me and said that I wasn’t allowed to sit there even though that’s what the diet tech told me to do. Some of the people here just come off like they think they’re so progresses in their recover that they’re somehow superior to me since I’m struggling more.
So in ESL we are only allowed to have 2 foods on our dislike list. And I just about yelled almonds. So a few days ago I was given a pasta salad that had almonds. I was still in ISL so we could have as many dislikes as we wanted. So the pasta salad had almonds in it and I asked if I could add something to my dislike list and she said after the meal. I didn’t want to have to take the replacement so initially I had just taken the almonds out, but at the end I shoved them into a dinner roll and ate it. So when Andrea asked this morning what foods I wanted on my dislike list and I said almonds she just about fell out of her chair laughing. She said “I had no idea what to do that day! I didn’t know what to say when you did that! I didn’t know if it was some weird behavior or if I should have you stop or just finish it. And everyone was looking at me like they wanted me to say something and I was looking at you and they were looking at you and I didn’t know if I should stop or give you a piece of meat for your almond sandwich!!” It made me laugh hardcore.
My occupational therapist had me make a list of the person I think I am with me eating disorder and the person I hope to be without it.
One of the nurses sat down with me after I wrote it and said that it sounded like a miserable life. She asked me what I would say if I asked a friend about their life and they read me that list.
I guess that was the idea of the assignment but the nurse kind of made me feel bad. Like I know it’s. Not a great life and it’s not a life I would choose for someone else but it my life and I have to live it anyway.

An Assignment From My OT:

Who I am with my eating disorders vs who I hope to be without them.

Who I am w/ an eating disorder

Sick
Self conscious
Self critical
Don’t care about myself
Unfocused
Unbalanced
Struggling
Overly apologetic
Depressed
Anxiety ridden
Can’t hold a job
Financially unstable
Irritable
Restless
Tired
Empty
Hateful toward myself and my body
Misplaced, misunderstood
Too much of a person, “too much space”
Burden
Disappointed in myself/ disappointment
Dysfunctional
Perfectionist
Side affect of a dysfunctional family
Left out/ unwanted/ unnoticed
Rejected
Unreliable
Unattractive
Fat
Unworthy/undeserving
A mess
Rebellious (pushing my body to limits)
Pessimistic
At war with myself
Hard time being alone
Consumed/trapped
Miserable in my own skin
Caged/confined

Who I hope to be w/o an eating disorder

Healthy (mentally and physically)
Financially stable
Strong
Confident
Peaceful/mindful
Reliable/ dependable worker
Advocate for myself/ not intimidated
Student- get back in school
Love myself and my body
Good role model for my niece
Healthy relationships
Self reliant
To love who I am
Capable
Competent
Not be ashamed
Not compare myself to others or body checking
Free
Faith driven
Fearless

 #treatment #residential #inpatient #recovery #prorecovery #eatingdisorder #anorexia #bulimia #eating #disorder #behaviour #anorexic #bulimic #EDNOS #depression #personal #MelroseBound #Melrose
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I went and did the echo-cardiogram and stress test today and it was terrible. I was strapped to a table on a stationary bike while lying down and had to get my heart rate from 99 to 168 which took about 20 minutes and then they don’t let you do a cool down so you go from 168 to 107 in 5 minutes.
The results came back normal which is good because that means as far as we know it’s not my heart but it also means we still have no idea what’s wrong.
My psychiatrist was an absolute nightmare. He talked about my enema and laxative abuse and strait said “I don’t understand what people think purging does. I’ve heard everything so this doesn’t surprise me and I don’t think it’s gross but I mean all it is is water weight which is dehydrating you so you’ll end up retaining water anyways.” Then he felt the need to go over the medical consequences.
#1 I’m aware of the medical and physical consequences, I’m here for a reason.
#2 while I know the consequences I don’t care enough about myself right now for that to mean enough for me to want to correct it. That’s why I’m here. (He wrote that down :/ )
Thinking on it now the fact that I’m here shows that I care about myself. I don’t know how to explain it though I tried to explain it to him anyways. It’s almost like I get a rush. There’s a sense of control you feel when you’re pushing your body to its breaking point. I almost feel invincible like I’m somehow exempt from any consequences that I know are inevitable, and I think that’s part of the problem. I seem to have had myself convinced for a long time that none of this would ever happen to me. That thought itself only comes when your already in the depths of your house, and I’ve been trying to get out. But I find myself caged, I don’t know how to break free of my mind- which I guess is why I’m here, I don’t know I probably sound insane.
They are talking about discharging me already, my team at home is furious that they would even consider it. When they called to get
Me a bed here they specified that I was coming for long term residential treatment. So I drove 5 and a half hours, over 200 miles and was told I couldn’t get treatment. Finally, they admitted me and then as soon as I’m medically stable they want to send me home- denying me the treatment they already promised. I was very honest with them and told them if they discharged me I would continue what I was doing, I don’t know how to stop, and that’s not something I am going to learn in ISL treatment.
One of the nurses here, Ayeisha told me to keep fighting it. She said I need to be here and to keep telling them that, to keep talking to them. She said when we come here we need to come and be ready to fight for ourselves, to commit, that she knows I’m a fighter and that if they were going to tell me no, it didn’t mean I couldn’t go down swinging.

Last night Aisha told me to talk to my psychologist about them wanting to send me home on Sunday. Well my psychologist seems to be completely and utterly unbelievable. For our very first appointment she canceled, for our second appointment she pulled me 20 minutes late, saw me for 15 minutes and had to leave for huddle so we didn’t get to my treatment plan. And now without a treatment plan they are talking about discharging me. So Aisha sad to talk to my psychologist and tell her I needed to be here and make my case. So today, what would have been our 3rd appointment was cancelled again! So when I saw my Dr. I went in crying and explained everything and she said she was gonna go to huddle and explain that theremin nowhere near me that I can get treatment, and hopefully my insurance will cover it.
In life balance today we talked about our values matching our expectations. We discussed how failing to meet our expectations distorts our values and that we tend to lessen our values so they match out actions and we don’t fail to meet expectations that aren’t attainable- the prime example was valuing out eating disorders over health. We talked about how having an eating disorder convinces us that we don’t value ourselves how we end up genuinely believing we don’t care about ourselves so we can justify continuing with out eating disorder. He taught that instead of taking away from our values so we can reach our expectations we should raise our expectations to meet our values.
Maureen, my care manager came to me today after huddle and told me after dinner I would be moving over to ESL (Extensive Structured Living). I will be going over there tonight.


#treatment #residential #inpatient #recovery #prorecovery #eatingdisorder #anorexia #bulimia #eating #disorder #behaviour #anorexic #bulimic #EDNOS #depression #personal #MelroseBound #Melrose
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Today the dietician wants me to eat 2 of my fear foods. (bacon and cake) My goal in strategy was to just get through the food. No matter how hard it’s gonna be. I’ve been really stressing out about food so I had a break down and Amanda found me and I had told her after eating the bacon I wanted too purge; I had been downstairs and asked where the bathroom was so I could purge the bacon because I was so stressed out. She said she would have to open the door for me and had I let her open the door I would have purged no questions asked. Amanda said I should tell the nurses and I didn’t want to but she had to go to group and didn’t want to leave me by myself. It was really nice to know that someone cares that much and was there do me.
The psychiatrist talked to me this morning about doing outpatient and I don’t have the means to stay here to do that so he mentioned me staying in a sober house because I have a history of substance abuse. He was gonna argue that if I was discharged there was a high probability that I would start using again. Which is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Number 1 I had already told him my chemical dependency was so far from being an issue it was unreal.
Number 2 to tell him that and him still say I’m gonna go back to drugs showed a lack of confidence in me and hurt the trust.
In strategy group I had talked about just getting through my challenge foods and I ate the bacon but I was very anxious. So we decided to come up with a plan. This morning I said I was willing to lose my blue band over this cake. But I decided not to let it over power me and not to give it the spotlight. Today I am going to try not to get stuck on things.
In strategy today Bradee had talked about how her boyfriend seemed unsupportive and how when she goes home he really doesn’t care about what she does. It made me think of Laban and how he said “I just expect it from you now” the last time I relapsed with drugs and again much later when I relapsed with my anorexia and bulimia. At the time it made me want to work on it harder for him. But I eventually realized I wanted to work on it for me because I wasn’t the best version of me I could be and I wasn’t the kind of person I wanted to be.
I shared that with her but I didn’t tell her that I no longer see that potential in myself. I know I’m not a good person. I try- but my best isn’t enough, and it never has been. Sara and Amanda talked to me today about advocating for myself. They explained that I shouldn’t let other people’s actions dictate my emotions. It reminded me of that quote “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” We had a few new admits today, I know eating disorders don’t discriminate and that a lot of girls who struggle, myself included, aren’t sickly thin. But when some of these girls come in I feel inadequate. I’ve always been good at shrinking. Physically, socially and mentally. I’m very practiced in the art of shrinking. I always thought I was good at it and I know that’s probably a disgusting thought or that maybe it’s distorted, but when some of these girls come in I don’t feel like I was ever good at shrinking. It’s almost triggering. I find myself wishing, even while in treatment trying to recover, that I could look like these girls and these women. I feel like I’m not sick enough and while logically I know that’s a positive thing it makes me think that I could get a lot sicker and be fine. Like if they could do it why couldn’t I? There’s a a sort of thrill in defying science, in continuing to live when your body shouldn’t be able to keep going.
My Dr. Scheduled an echo-cardiogram for me. I have consistently low blood pressure as well as a low pulse. I’m in the system as a fall risk because when I stand up in unsteady and lightheaded and have severe chest pain.I had an EGD before coming to treatment but it came back normal so hopefully the echo gives us a better idea of what’s going on.
Vanessa taught us all about self check ins today, it seems interesting.
1. How have I taken things so far?
2. How do I feel about it?
3. What could I do better?
4. What do I need to change or continue?
Today at meal planning I asked Elizabeth, one of the dietitians, to lower my tallies, which is the amount of food you intake throughout the day. She said no. Which stresses me out at snack because I feel like I’m gaining a lot of weight and eating way to much. It was just an extremely stressful day.
And then the cake happened!!

Conquering My Biggest Fear Food:

The Only Cake Story You Will Ever Need:

So the diet techs asked me when I was admitted if there was any food I enjoyed before my eating disorder that I dent myself now. I said yes: bacon, pizza, and CAKE!! They had asked me if it was something I would be open to and I agreed.
I had told myself that morning that unwound complete the cake no matter what!!
I counted down the hours and minutes till I was going to have to eat it. The day dragged!!
Upon walking into the dining halls I knew exactly which tray was mine because it was the only one with a piece of lemon cake on it. I ate my entree first, I figured if I could get through the dinner portion if I couldn’t finish the cake at least that’s all I would have to take replacements for instead of taking forever with the cake and having to take replacements for the whole meal.
Now it was time for the cake. I cried as soon as I got the first bite into my mouth. I couldn’t even swallow it. I was shaking and dropped the dork. After chewing it to mush I swallowed it. I just stares at the piece of cake in front of me. Amanda told me that if I couldn’t finish it it was okay. But it wasn’t. That was my goal and my commitment to myself. So I took another huge, crying as I chewed it and taking a few minutes in between bites. But we only had a few minutes left- lunch is timed. The only thing aside from the cake I hadn’t eaten was my bowl of raspberries and the fruit dip. Amanda told me to put it all on the cake so I didn’t have to think about the fact that it was cake.
So I did and I kept eating. Crying even more. Eventually time was up and everyone was getting up and the tech came by me to check my tray. I asked for one more minute. Lavi understood. Everyone was aware that it was a challenge food.
After a few more agonizing minutes I finished eating. Amanda sat with me while I cried uncontrollably. But I ATE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT CAKE!!
It is empowering to take control back from your eating disorder

#MelroseBoundJournals #Melrose #MelroseBound #Anorexia #Bulimia #EatingDisorders #Treatment #Inpatient #Residential #Recovery #ProRecovery #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
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This morning I didn’t take a replacement some I got my blue band. Which means I get privileges; I’m now unobserved in the bathroom, I can pick my own meals, I don’t have to be supervised 24/7, only an hour after meals and half an hour after snack.

Life Balance (Flower Analogy)
In life balance we talked about self worth. In “Stage 1” people tend to define themselves with external things. Our self worth is dependent on out “Petals” (Pleasing other people, no flaws, looking good) sometimes we feel the need to add extra petals (being skinny, excelling academically, approval of peers) Petals can become very important to us, we want them to be perfect because we believe that people will be attracted to us because of our petals, so we work very hard to keep them as special as possible. People panic if one of their petals is pulled off (if someone is mad at them, or they didn’t look good, or they weren’t invited somewhere) consequently, if something happened to this person to cause them to lose one of their petals they are left with a scary void. Instead of defining ourselves by what we do or how we look to others, we do the only thing we know how to do- we try harder to be perfect. We get scared and think no one would like us if they knew who we really were. So we add more petals. What we need to realize is long after the petals wither or fall off- the center remains. The center is where the essence of the flower is found. If we looked at ourselves stripped of our petals what would remain? We are terrified that the center of our flower would be empty. It is important to know ourselves and fill out center. The flower in “Stage 3” has beautiful petals surrounding its center, but the difference is that these petals are expressions of who we are rather than the determinants of our self worth. If we lost out petals tomorrow, we would not lose our identity or self worth because we could just find other ways to express ourselves and bloom other petals. So out petals may change color and shape at different points in our life as we grow and change or we encounter new experiences and circumstances. When we know who we are in our center we can find a new way of expressing ourselves through our petals. For this exercise we were asked to come up with qualities (internal) that describe us. After that we had to link it to something external. I and up with things (compassionate, empathetic, eccentric, creative, open minded and supportive.) Then we had to give an example of us showing these externally. I couldn’t come up with anything. Amanda helped in group saying that I’m caring, supportive and a good friend. Later I ended up having a break down, I don’t like myself and that’s why I couldn’t come up with anything and that I didn’t know how to fix me and that I’m getting bigger and I’m anxious and that I’m worried they aren’t gonna be able to help me. Amanda said after that conversation that I needed to be here, I kind of agree. At my doctors appointment u asked my weight and she wouldn’t tell me, so I know I’m gaining because she tells people if they are losing weight and she won’t tell me so I know I’m gaining. I can seem it and feel it. I can see myself growing outwards, like I’m taking up space I’m not entitled to. I think I’ve had myself convinced for a long time that if I could somehow scrape the marrow from my bones and be a little lighter, if I could shrink- take up just a little less space, if I could somehow become a negative amount of a person then maybe I wouldn’t be too heavy a burden to bear. Snack Because I know I’m gaining weight I have been getting more anxious about meals. Dinner was hard, I literally felt like I couldn’t pick up my fork. I had to keep being reminded to eat. After snack I broke down again. talked with Lauren one of the nurses. She told me that I feel like I’m gaining weight and growing out and that to me I probably think I can see that but that’s just the body dysmorphia thoughts and that that’s my eating disorder telling me that. I told her I was scared they were gonna kick me out because they think I’m ready to leave already and that people think I’m not sick enough to be here and she said I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t sick enough. She said intensive treatment and 24 hour care is serious and that they wouldn’t have put me up here if it wasn’t necessary. It was nice to be validated. Sometimes I have myself convinced that I don’t need to be here that I’m doing it for attention, that there’s nothing wrong with me. To be reminded that I really am sick and this is a problem wether other people believed it or not was nice. It was nice to know that I’m not crazy.

#MelroseBoundJournals #Melrose #MelroseBound #Anorexia #Bulimia #EatingDisorders #Treatment #Inpatient #Residential #Recovery #ProRecovery #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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